Saturday, January 19, 2008

Alternate career options

For the last three months , one routine that I have religiously followed is applying online to atleast 10 jobs every week. Not a person known for his diligence , I am surprised at my own level of persistence.Its the sort of dogged determination that is normally reserved for jail inmates who tirelessly chip away at their walls for years to dig out a trench leading to the jail's sewage disposal system.The very fact that my motivation level matches that of Tim Robins in Sawshank Redemption speaks volumes about my level of job satisfaction in my current job. So at desperate times like this my endlessly meandering thoughts moves towards some unexplored career options which I would love to pursue provided I get a little encouragement.I would discuss a few of them below:
1. A regular and avid reader of everything from page 3 onwards of my daily newspaper , I am absolutely in awe of most the of research findings that are reported in minute details by newspapers these days. Sample this “ staring at a women's breast for about 15 mins everyday brings down chances of heart disease by 30%”. This must be a milestone in the study of cardiovascular diseases..My mind goes into wild frenzied flights just to imagine how this research was carried out.Did they have a testing centre where a human subject was fitted with all sort of medical equipments fitted to his heart and made to stare at a picture of Pamela Anderson?Or was it a comparative study on heart conditions of the husbands of women who are not endowed in equal measure ( say between Tommy Lee Jones and Tom Cruise).I might sound like a sexist, but i would give up my left hand to be part of such pathbreaking research.
For a less scientific and more statistical one sample this one I read a few months ago “ while kissing , experts have found that the heads of 70% of humans tilt towards the right side.”Another breakthrough in social and behavioral sciences.Just for the sake of it , try kissing your dear ones with your head tilting left and you might end up spraining your neck.Now just think you are paid to study the kissing habits of couples..wonderful isn't it?If you are less scientifically inclined , there is still scope for lots of media-relevant research that is equally intellectually for example some 5-6 years ago a leading national news magazine conducted a survey and found that than on an average a lady in her 20s in a particular Indian metro sleeps with something like 3.47 men .I am still wondering how fortunate that .47 of a man must be. Bad news for Raymond suitings don't always need to be a complete man.
So all young men and women with an inclination towards research , here is your chance for your 15 minutes of fame.Rack your brains and come up with a topic of public interest like the ones mentioned above and start off your research in earnest.For ideas about such research , I am brimming with ideas and would be more than happy to help you ( for a minimal consultancy fee).
2.The Indian Institute of Television Experts:With the mushrooming growth of news channels,the day is not too far when we will have more controversies and less experts to comment about them on television.So before we see the doomsday for Indian television industry , I propose to set up this academy for training television experts.The term expert here is used in the generic sense. A television expert should be able to speak non-stop on any topic with conviction and be able to boost the TRP of the news channel , should be able to take any stand on an issue depending on requirements and most importantly should be able to blabber non-stop for any specified period of time.Now for example take this serious panel discussion I saw last year “ Has Richard Gere insulted Indian culture by kissing Shilpa Shetty on-stage?” Now as a television expert , you should be able to speak articulately both in support and against the view.If you are against the view you can start with “ In the land of Khajuraho and Kamasutra , where sex is a spiritual journey to the inner self.........” or if you are in support you can prove that the lip-lock is a symbol of western cultural invasion and Indians in general don't kiss on the lips though we have a particular filmstar who calls himself the “ serial kisser”.Going back to that panel discussion , a lady activist felt it was Shilpa Shetty who insulted Indian culture because she was smiling after being what should have been the ideal reaction “ nahiii.....mere izzat ke saath khilwad mat karo'? So the bottom line is you should be able to blabber anything no matter how inane your views are.
Although I am yet to deicide on the faculty members I plan to hire Nikhil Chopra and Atul Wassan as guest lecturers.While nobody remembers any of their cricketing exploits (when did they actually play for India?) they have carved a niche for themselves as cricket pundits who can give expert views on anything related to cricket and can occupy as much of screen time as Baba Ramdev does.
3.Living in a country where effigy-burning is a national obsession I am deeply distressed at the overall aesthetic levels of effigies that our concerned citizens choose to burn every time India loses a cricket series or LPG prices rises up or on any issue where they feel that putting things or themselves on fire is the solution.As i always believed i had the spirit of entrepreneurship I plan to set up a manufacturing plant which would produce eco-friendly effigies of any political leader or celebrity on demand which burns easily and moreover resembles the person you wish to immolate publicly.During Indias overseas tours we will have special editions of all the major players and the national coach which can be booked in advance.I also plan to introduce some special discounts for Mamta Banerjee and her supporters.I also have some ambitious plans for re-usable effigies which can burned over and over again.The first 2 re-usable models available for sale would be of George W Bush and Steve Bucknor for their consistency of blunders.
There are many more equally interesting ideas on the pipeline which i would would discuss in future blogs.


  1. I think you meant Tommy Lee the musician and not Tommy Lee Jones the actor.

  2. u missed one more...tarrot card, kundali guys....

    btw,m i seeing d next jug suraiya???

  3. My favorite write by Mr. Baruah.

  4. well polka...if u make reusable effigies...thn ur market will not b tht good....u knw u need to sell thing u can do... "buy one get one free"...n keep da price as double. huge profit scope...
    n wat happened of our plan to take over PANDAL industry??? forgot???
    n....while writing all...another thot crossed ma mind.....why not sell these very ideas for self employment n bring down unemployment(thru some NGO taking Foreign aids).....we might jz get INDIAN of the Year AWARD!!!!!
    keep postin!!!!